One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... - Anthony Chevins The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting, 2. fleeing, 3.feeding and 4. mating. - Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce. - Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars. - Gravestone Inscription Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island. He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech. - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands. I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries. Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. - Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler I used to have a dog. I named him Stay. When he was little, I used to confuse him. "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay." He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps licking himself. - Steven Wright I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. - Dan Quayle I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.) Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane. We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. - Parish Magazine I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it. - Dwight D. Eisenhower Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. - Brendan Behan Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. - Will Rogers Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." His reply: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. It's paradoxial that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. - Andy Rooney The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960H He got me by the throat so that I could not speak and I asked him several times to let me go. - victim testifying during an assault case The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are. - Mark Twain The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitto A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. - Sir Winston Churchill The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally. - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. - Yakov Smirnoff One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. - Samuel Goldwyn Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. - Bill Peterson, football coach Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year. - Dixy Lee Ray Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: " Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. - Jerome K. Jerome We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. - Plato Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together. - Carl Zwanig Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. - Frank Zappa Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. - Sign at a railway station Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Dan Quayle The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962 A ship is always referred to as "she" because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder. - Chester Nimitz Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. - Aaron Levenstein Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Sir Winston Churchill Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it. - Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. - Guy Davenport A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. - Chinese proverb I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. - George Bernard Shaw Late-night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier. - James Dent The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others. - Gerry Brown If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world. - Blaise Pascal Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work. - Peter F. Drucker We like to treat our employees like human beings, but that isn't always possible. - Dr. Andrew Booth The most basic rule of survival in any situation is: Never look like food. - an unknown park ranger As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. - Dick Cavett Everything that can be invented has been invented. - Charles H. Duell, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 Murphy's Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. While I write this letter, I have a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other. - Sir Boyle Roche Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. - Henry Ford Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. - Elbert Hubbard A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles. - Wesley Bolin Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. - Jean-Paul Sartre Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. - David Henry Thoreau The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones The world began without man, and it will complete itself without him. - Claude Levi-Strauss It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. - George Bush There are two essential basic strategies for success in business: 1. Never reveal all you know Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. - Ernie Kovacs Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - Elbert Hubbard When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate eachother. - Eric Hoffer Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Jonathan Swift I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers. - Thomas Watson, IBM boss, 1943 The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. - Ashleigh Brilliant We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? - Lee Iacocca If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. - Gail Godwin Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. - Jerry Seinfeld Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand. - Duffy Daugherty Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. - H. H. Munro (Saki) No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. - Peanuts Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde Some reporters said I don't have any vision. I don't see that. - George Bush Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927 We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur. - Dan Quayle Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. - Batman Costume warning label Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. - Albert Einstein A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samual Goldwyn I would never join a club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - Oscar Wilde It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago... - Dan Quayle Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half if physical. - Yogi Berra Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde Being a philospher, I have a problem for every solution. - Robert Zend Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - Fletcher Knebel Surviving trespassers will be prosecuted! - Sign at Camp Cove, Sydney Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Never express yourself more clearly than you think. - Niels Bohr If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Dan Quayle If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter Bad artists always admire each other's work. - Oscar Wilde Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. - Aldous Huxley A man is only as old as the woman he feels. - Groucho Marx Living in a vacuum sucks. - Adrienne E. Gusoff Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Dan Quayle It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney The Murphy Philosophy: Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Everything takes longer than you think. Every solution breeds new problems. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's Law of Love: All the good ones are taken. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure. Tell the truth and run. - Yugoslavian proverb